surface
by tearstainednote
Summary: you move on because that's what you're supposed to do, but how do you go on living in black and white when all the color in the world is stolen from you?


_these wounds won't seem to heal_

 _this pain is just too real_

 _there's just too much that time cannot erase…_

 _x_

/

you see her mom for the first time since the funeral one day at the library.

you're checking out Winnie the Pooh and you don't even need to be reminded it was her favorite.

But you are, and you just smile because

 _you know, and it's perfect_

and then you read it on the bus home with your head against the window glass and the smell of the pages is reminiscent of her.

But you're not gonna cry.

/

At first you blame Lucas, because like—

if he'd just been paying attention to the road instead of his stupid cellphone.

everyone keeps reminding you it's not his fault, but fuck that. it has to be someone's fault right?

you have to blame _someone_.

but then you start hooking up with him in an attempt to dull the pain for the both of you,

and you pray it works.

 _(Now I will tell you what I've done for you, 50 thousand tears I've cried)_

Evanescence is all that plays in your ears these days, as you walk to and from school alone.

October chill bites at your nose and you remember countless afternoons on this sidewalk with her dancing excitedly next to you

and you would discuss halloween costumes and she would jump in a pile of leaves because their colors were too beautiful to be ignored.

and you'd laugh because she was _perfect_

she was everything right in this world.

and you paint fall colors onto a canvas later that evening, each stroke of your brush forming piles of leaves.

It's hard not to imagine her twirling in her boots until she fell and brown, orange, yellow, red cascaded everywhere.

you paint her red scarf laying next to one of the piles and smile because it's tragically beautiful

but you're not gonna cry

/

After a while you move on because you have to.

school is the hardest

you sit in a class taught by her dad and some other brunette sits beside you but doesn't talk.

This is where you'd say _honey_ and she'd lift her head and smile at you and say

 _Peaches?_

But that's over now, and the R tattooed on your wrist reminds you of that.

You, Farkle, and Lucas got one all at the same time. Farkle's is behind his ear and Lucas has one on his chest.

you see it again one night when you take his shirt off and it's staring you right in the face.

every time this happened before, it was so dark you couldn't see.

But the light from the fire not only paints your skin, but his too and the ink seemingly shines like gold against his tan skin.

he follows your eyes and

now you both kind of freeze -

 _(Call my name and save me from the dark)_

\- he tells you it's okay.

 _You'll be okay_

and when he kisses you it doesn't taste bitter anymore, not like it used to.

this thing is getting easier, moving on.

For the both of you.

and he doesn't say her name anymore when he's on top of you, and you kinda like that

No, now it's yours

And you wonder for a second how she might feel about that

what she would say if she saw this happening

 _But you're both just moving on_

and later when you're alone you think about closing your eyes and apologizing to her.

For _something -_

but you're not sorry.

and you're not gonna cry.

/

She's been gone six months, and you wonder when you're gonna start waking up not thinking about her.

When does grieving end?

Lucas tells you this funny story about something she did one night that makes you laugh so hard chocolate milk comes out of your nose.

because that's just _so_ her.

Your group kind of falls apart, and you all just kind of assume she was the glue that held you together.

One spends a lot of his time delving into extracurricular activities, and you figure it's because it reminds him of all the things he could've done with her. Yearbook, prom committee, senior affairs, class elections, etc.

You smile at each other in the halls and that's about as much contact as you have with him.

but each time somewhere in your head you hear his squeaky little voice say

 _Ladies._

Huckleberry spends most of his time on the field when he's not with you, and he's an animal out there. He's single-handedly taken the John Quincy Adams Jaguars to state two seasons in a row, and he has a few scouts coming to homecoming this year.

Coach says he's got some anger in him, but that it's what makes him win.

 _No shit he's got anger._

You're ridiculously proud of him, and you know she would be too.

and you always leave a space next to you on the bleachers at every game because that's right where she'd be.

when he nails that 52 yard bomb, you shamelessly stand up and wave your stupid pom pom around because there's no way he didn't just land that scholarship.

You look over, and you swear out of the corner of your eye you see her screaming along with you.

and you smile -

\- because you're not gonna cry.

/

Lucas goes off to New Orleans to play with the Saints and you lie to everyone when you say you don't miss him.

Farkle shows up at your door the night after he leaves with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a copy of Bride of Chucky in the other.

you don't even have to comment on the fact that you haven't had an actual conversation in the better part of a year, you just let him inside anyway because he's Farkle and you're Maya and you need each other right now.

You stay up until three in the morning laughing over memories of her and you sit with him until you both have sobered up enough to attempt making tea. You fail miserably at making it but it gets both of you laughing and you _really_ need a good laugh.

it's good to have him back, and the familiarity almost brings a tear to your eye,

but you're not gonna cry.

/

It's been almost a year and you feel like giving up but you don't because that's not what she would have wanted.

You remind yourself of this every day and eventually the numbness goes away.

so you apply for college and you get in and she's the first person you wanna tell, but you can't and that slow realization hits you like a truck.

Just like getting that phone call over and over and over.

 _(Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface)_

you have dinner with her family partly because it's the least you can do and partly because you feel safe with them.

Her mom is still so broken, but hides it well and her dad -

\- her dad still reminds you of everything you wished your dad could be.

You wonder, briefly, if something happened to you — would he care?

Would he even know?

Then you find yourself looking through photo albums later with her mom and Auggie, and you laugh with her because this must be sort of therapeutic for her. She comes to a page with a smaller version of yourself hugging a smaller version of Riley, and your breath catches in your throat.

it's been a long time since you've looked at a picture of her this close.

You think of all she did, and all she could have done.

but you're not gonna cry.

/

When Lucas comes back, he won't tell you why he quit school.

you chalk it up to some weird cowboy thing and shrug it off like it's nothing, but you're happy he's back.

and he knows, you can tell by the way he smiles at you before kissing your forehead.

 _(Where the wind is cold and angry, there you'll be to take me inside.)_

somehow you feel normal again.

The anniversary of her death comes and goes.

You wake up and get out of bed because that's what you're supposed to do.

and you think about her all day, but today's different because you know everyone else is too.

When you get home, your friendship ring is sitting on your nightstand next to your sketchbook— which is _weird,_ because you don't remember putting it there.

but you put it on because you feel like you have to and it's cold and foreign against your skin.

You admire its beauty as you sit cross legged on your bed, and you wear it all night.

 _Ring power._

It's dark and the city's sleeping, so what the hell—

you stare out your window

and you just cry.

/

 **I wanted to try new writing styles, and I was listening to My Immortal.  
So this is what happened.  
Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated.**

 **xo**


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